It's 3, 3, THREE movies in ONE !!!

The title of this review refers , yes , to this weighty, powerful, and completely soul-eclipsing blockbuster film’s length. ( Significantly over three hours.) But not only does Mr. Jackson and crew so mesmerize you from beginning to end with their astoundingly excellent remake of every aspect of this classic Beauty and The Beast Story – they add depth, extra backstories , and yes, extra MONSTERS ( ---a theory what was in Peter Jackson’s mind : I am going to make 3 billion dollars with this thingy– we can’t have JUST a gorilla. !!) – and what is stunning about this aspect is that even with this film’s seemingly egregious length , none of this stuff seems like padding for padding’s sake. Every minute of this film’s journey is rich with astounding cinematography and movie-making virtuosity but again– as sort of a caveat– I think if one goes into this epic knowing one is about to see "three movies"– one is much less likely to get any sort of concentration fatigue.

The first “ movie” ( section ) is perhaps in a way the most pleasing, delightful, and shockingly arresting– why? – because LONG before there is a gorilla ( or other angry creepy crawlies I will get to in a bit ) or a boat, or scary natives, or anything of that sort– this section of the movie totally blows you away with shocking detail and pitch-perfect acting. Naomi Watts is Ann, shown as a vaudeville talent of the highest order ( her show-biz expertise becomes one of the many tentpoles in certain lottery-payoff size risks the movie triumphs with ) ---but sadly this is the depression, and her show venue closes without paying people. All these poor talents standing around , so hungry they want to steal 10 cent fruit ( and that becomes paramount here in just a jiffy ) in their down-to-the-nth detail period clothing ---( in a Manhattan of the period whose detailed perfection isn’t just uncanny, it’s so perfect it’s beyond-awe-inspiring as if you get the creepy feeling the movie makers sold their souls to go back in TIME to film right there in the depression-era big apple!!)– it’s all so affecting you can easily forget for a considerable hunk of time– OH YEAH– she’s supposed to be the Fay Wray parallel later. Naomi Watts gets offered to do dirty dancing to try to make a living which she nobly disses , and in these sequences she is a dang-near perfect amalgam of heartbreaking poor starving-artist and “ one tough cookie”“– all of this communicated with acting expertise that is an example of both porcelain natural beauty and the timing that goes along with such , and expertly trained character inhabitation.

Well poor Ann is just so hungry ( but not hungry enough to sashay her charlies around to starving out of work folks for 25 cents a day .. or whatever) she tries to steal an apple and gets in trouble and who comes to her rescue– but another down-on-his-luck character in a performance that perhaps may be THE revelation of the movie. I always thought Jack Black was a serviceable and often charming screen presence– but he sure as heck to me was never, and was never going to be... an “ ACTOR”– I mean how could I ever get lost in him inhabiting a character when I would giggle incessantly hearing Tenacious D lyrics in my head? But his Carl Denham is some 1930's pitch perfect version of Mark Burnett meets Harold Hill. He wants to make the proto-Survivor by secretly taking a whole crew of actors and folks to this obscure, scary place he has found a primitive map to ( which is you-know-where– it rhymes with Bull Kyland) to basically film whatever the hell is there– while on the Hill con man aspect he is going to BS everyone that they are going to make some sort of Romantic exotica sweep piece in Singapore. While paying for Anne’s apple ( symbolism perhaps?) Carl realizes he has his leading lady to replace the superstar he’s promised his bosses after he discovers that she has NO interest in doing the film. Well a few well timed chats with Anne later , and Jack Black isn’t some “ guy”
playing a smarm– he is a dynamite channeling of a depression-era schmoozer-svengali-scumbag that you feel like, yes you WOULD go anywhere to make a movie with him. His timing, his delivery, his cool-a$$ hats reiterating again the astoundingly detailed costume design for this movie , everything about this performance was a jaw-dropping revelation for me. So Anne, Carl, the cheeseball leading man he DID get for the “ fake” movie, and Adrian Body as writer Jack Driscoll ( which poor Anne in a quest for respectability tried and failed to get a part in a literate play of his) all take off on an iffy ship for parts unknown. Off to make the biggest mistake and scary journey of their lives --- thinking they are going to Singapore to make some polite little Valentino-esque feature. ( Mr. Driscoll doesn’t even GET to actually CHOOSE to go– I won’t spoil the machinations of how he ends up there but they are a delight as is a killer line you MUST listen for about the trustworthiness of movie directors and producers. )
And thus ends “MOVIE ONE”. You are rife with anticipation AND also pleasantly surprised that WOW– this flick was phenomenal already. But Movie “Two” is where the risks come in. If the CGI of the monster doesn’t work, if we can’t buy Naomi Watts falling for an angry large simian, if the whole next “ movie” ( section) doesn’t fly ,then all is for naught and instead of another Lord of the Rings , all poor Mr. Jackson will have made a hairy-animal populated Waterworld-esque disaster.

But part two shows us that ladies and gentlemen, LOTR wasn’t lucky confluence or a one-shot proof of PJ’s ability to manage astounding amount of action and CGI-layering. Even before we GET to Skull Island, the ship sequences are perhaps some of the most impressive ever filmed. Add Liam Neeson as a cantankerous sea dog captaining this ill-fated expedition and some wonderful supporting work from ship folk portrayed by Jamie Bell and Evan Parker and this becomes another section where the journey is as thrilling as reaching the destination. The waterlogged ship-wrecking will make you literally think you need a towel, the bouncing around of the ship set during this sequence will seriously make you a might queasy, and the horror felt by the ship’s bounced-around passengers is palpable beyond belief. Titanic Shmitanic– This is a TRUE you-are-there-on-a-crashing-ship experience like you probably have NEVER EVER experienced in a theater. Then we KNOW the rest of the story– the next umpteenth risk is are we going to buy it?
Do we ever. The natives aren’t just restless that attack our film making crew– they are like a National Geographic special injected with the fires and attitudes of an acid-induced hell and they are pretty much as terrifying as any of the monsters to follow. And yes, of course they want our plucky heroine to sacrifice to our title beast. Which they do. And then the jaw-dropping continues.---
The beast itself. The eye wrinkles, the physics of his movement, the movement of light on the hair on his body, the expressions in the liquid in his eye sockets, the air literally moving around him as he moves– it is simply THE cgi achievement of cinema up to this point. And remember what I said about vaudeville– in the main lynchpin of this “ 2nd " movie.. (Or perhaps the WHOLE ENTERPRISE) – is one little charming sequence that if it came off as ridiculous, the whole movie would collapse.

When this poor lady is freaked out enough from her kidnapping by natives who make the native human-sacrificing baddies in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom look like Avon Ladies joined by the Welcome Wagon , and then horrifically wonders what the hell is she supposed do that a gorilla the size of a skyscraper has her in his clutches– what does she do?

She performs.

She starts cartwheeling, juggling, barefooted tap dancing, anything to charm the beast– and miracle of many.. It WORKS. It makes you smile, and seriously get warm fuzzies as this monster starts to see her as a sweet little play toy ,and yes,. You BELIEVE this animal has emotions and he falls in love with her.

Then for the rest of this “ 2nd” movie we get taken on one of the scariest, joltingest, I-didn’t- breathe-for 30-mins.-est thrill rides ever on celluloid. There are more scary natives, there are imports from Jurassic Park dinosaur-ing themselves all over the place chasing our heroes, and nearly flattening them 100 times, there are huge, itch-indcuing bugs falling atop of people there are gorges to fall in, vines to fall off of , the whole thing is almost too much to take. ( In a good way! )

So our heroes ( well some of them ) finally make through all this stuff.. Our Beauty and the Best relationship is established and in another miracle of CGI physics, it’s time for Carl and Kong and the surviving folk to make them way back to Manhattan with their VERY large booty of entertainment riches waiting to happen.

And we are in movie “ three” – poor Jack Driscoll has fallen for Ann too but she wants nothing to do with Carl’s exploitation of her experience or his showing off of the monster she has come to love --everyone has split apart. But here now of course Carl has gone from B-movie loser to talk of the town and we see the magnificent of his opening night of showing off Kong.. THE 8th WONDER OF THE WORLD.

And yes, you know what happens next. Once again, it’s all in the telling.. In a terrifying sequence Kong breaks free and decides that the venue he is in is a set of legos for him to demolish and he spends awhile picking up every blonde in sight ( LITERALLY ) searching for his missing sweet Ann. The set pieces here are more astounding visual mastery. The billions of period cars that get crashed and all of the destroyed Manhattan buildings that unfortunately find their way under Mr. Kong’s unhappy size 3,729 feet are all created with the same breathtaking detail as we saw in movie “ one”. And we get to the famous sequence of the planes, the now-re-grabbed Ann and the Empire State Building. ( But only after an inexplicably heart warming sequence where Kong and Ann frolic at an ice rink ) .. And the eventual bad stuff happens.. The story’s original integrity is kept of course. Poor fellows in planes, poor crashes, poor Kong, poor beast, poor Anne now left with just the normal-sized and much less hirsute Jack to keep her company.


But that is the crowning miracle of this movie. Jackson has taken a story SO ingrained in the culture consciousness that it’s so rife with parody that how could anyone make it SERIOUSLY, and spend a billion dollars to do so and still have it not just work, but have it CAPTIVATE you?? Both emotionally AND viscerally. Hell, most of the time I ever thought of King Kong before this I would remember the giggles even as a little a boy I had at the dumba$$ Jessica Lange 70's remake and then I would think about Paul the gorilla form the kids' reading show Electric Company.

Yes there are piddly minor imperfections– every RARE once in a while the background CGI looks a little glossily fake, and I found myself pondering sometimes how the gorgeous legs, wrists, feet , ankles, and neck of Ms. Watts were remarkably intact after her body-thrashing ordeals– but these concerns are beyond minuscule.

But down to every detail, the cgi work,. the acting, the costumes, the set pieces, the recreations of NYC, the WHOLE kit and caboodle is done with such reverence, love and staggering expertise that when Jack Black even pulls off the rife-for-cliche final line – you may think.. Well yes, Beauty may have Killed the Beast.. But Jackson and crew and actors have killed the skepticism that came with this project. What could have been a total misfire and waste-of -a trillion dollars on a story that NO ONE could make anyone take seriously, is now one of the cinematic masterpieces of the decade, and I bet will prove to be one of the cinematic masterpieces.. OF ALL TIME.


(((And How did I get to see this masterpiece before most people? :) I was very blessed through my college buddy Tim League who owns what Entertainment Weekly now calls the coolest movie theater in America--The Austin Alamo Drafthouse- to attend Aint It Cool News' Harry Knowles BUTTNUMBATHON.. a phenomenal marathon of 24 hours of watching WAY cool stuff including two major releases that were not OUT yet for the general public. I will review each and every one of these flicks I got to see that are in the Eps. Database and post all the cross links as they are ready !!)))

See review of The Mandingo Sequel DRUM !!!--
http://www.epinions.com/content_213991460484


Review of V for Vendetta
http://www.epinions.com/content_223448239748


Review of Stunt Rock

http://www.epinions.com/content_223447715460